Peace

Song on my heart:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJCV_2H9xD0

Each year, I try and have intentional prayer time to reflect on the year and look ahead on the coming year. I look at what God did. I look at how I grew. I look at how I stumbled and struggled. I just take some inventory to reflect on. December 2018, I heard God speak to my soul, "Peace". I was so STOKED on that. FINALLY! Peace. I love that word. I love that feeling. We all love peace. Who likes turmoil? I would hope that would be no one. I let it sink in. We had our house, we had our little family, of course 2019 would be the year of peace. 

January 5, 2019 changed that word for the year. God did speak "peace" to my heart over 2019- but it wasn't the 'peace' I was thinking of. It wasn't going to be this perfect, peaceful, blissful year. It was God saying that HE was going to be the PEACE I needed this year with the loss of Gregory. He would be the constant peace in my soul to settle me and put my worries at ease. I am grateful for that word over this last year because I truly did experience God's peace in a whole new way. 

December 2018 was THE BEST. It was our first Christmas with Mia. It was our first California Christmas as a family. It was a time with ALL of our family together. It was a time when Mia met so many people for the first time. It was a Christmas with Gregory home.

I talk about the passing of my brother a lot because that is such a real and present season. 

I never thought for a second that it would be our last Christmas with Gregory, but little did we know- life was going to change in just 11 days. God was taking us into a valley season. He was growing us. He was nurturing us. He was teaching us. He was being the great Father that He is. Praise God for that. It was hard but man- what a year of growth for so many reasons. Gregory would be proud. 

2019 is rapidly coming to a close. I have never had a year go so fast and so slow at the same time. Raising a new baby, grieving through the process, working full-time. It was a lot. It was a beautifully challenging year but I am so excited to jump into a new decade.

The last few weeks, I did the same tradition and just spent some time reflecting. I felt that God put two words on my heart for 2020. Challenge and Discipline. 

I love discipline. I love challenging myself but why now? I am in a super busy season of life that I do not have all of the freedom and time in the world to challenge myself and stay super disciplined. 

What a perfect time for God to grow me in these ways. 

I am trusting that what He started, He will complete. 

He is a good, good Father. 

I want this year to grow me in new ways. I want to walk out of 2020 proud of what God did. I know it will be hard. I know there will be dark days, but I also know that there will be days of laughter and joy. That is life. It is balancing it all. It is taking the good with the bad. It is knowing that I have Jesus as the Lord of my life and no matter what comes my way, He is victorious. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

-L 

Thankful

Go to worship song as of late:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoFeWN6QPuc

Psalm 100

     A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

1 

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

2 

    Worship the Lord with gladness;

    come before him with joyful songs.

3 

Know that the Lord is God.

    It is he who made us, and we are his[a];

    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

    and his courts with praise;

    give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Another Thanksgiving holiday has passed and we are quickly on the way to Christmas. I knew that the holidays were going to be emotional but I really could not fully prepare for the emotions that surfaced that day. I waited for the FaceTime call I would normally get form Gregory. I made my list of calls to the family and so badly wanted to call his phone. I just miss him. This is the new normal in our family. We have a void but God is still blessing us in endless ways. We had a lovely week of family, laughter, yummy food, lots of snow and more food. It was perfect. God provided, as He always does, in a BIG way. Ending the Thanksgiving day with our nightly routine and I just lost it. Tears. Tears. Tears. Mia was in the bath and just watching her mama cry. She knows when I am sad. She always says "I'm sad." and makes the saddest/ sweetest facial expression I have ever seen. She gets it. I really believe that. She shows such concern and compassion for me. I try to always let her know why I am sad, whatever the reason may be. The last year, it has mostly been "Mommy really misses her brother- Uncle Gregory. Uncle Gregory is in Heaven with Jesus" and she absorbs the information and moves on. 

For months, I felt awful that she was seeing this emotion over and over and over again but that faded. I am proud that she is seeing so many real emotions every day. This little girl is growing up in a world where there are things that are "sad". There are things that aren't always making us "happy". I want her to know how to feel emotions. How to process them. How to come to God with ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that she feels. He is a God who cares- and I try and remind her of that daily. 

Psalm 100 is frequently used often during the Thanksgiving season but this year it just hit in a different way. "Shout for Joy to the Lord, all the earth". I asked God, "How?". How do I shout for joy when I feel sad. When I feel that life is a little unfair this season. The answer was in the next two verses... 

"Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture." 

I just had to re-set, re-focus, and worship. I had to remember that He made me and I am His. He has not forgotten. He has not walked away. He is and always will be worthy.  He is good and his love does endure forever. 

It was a moment when I remembered that just a moment in his presence can heal any hurt we have. 

This holiday season, whether it is a beautiful season, hard season, sad season, depressed season, fun season, etc- "worship the Lord with gladness! Come before him with joyful songs! Know that the Lord is God." He is Emmanuel, God with us. He is always making all things new. 

Mia and her daddy- best buds. Always bringing joy!

The Davis Clan came to CO for a pre-Thanksgiving vacay! 

Torti and Me- just snug as bugs. Pajamas all. day. long. 

305 Days...7320 Hours Later

I can't believe that 305 days have passed since the passing of my sweet baby brother, Gregory James. It really has been a whirlwind of a season. The dust is finally "settling" and our new reality is seeping in. I can say that my faith has deepened but the questions continue to grow- and you know what? That. Is. Ok. God can handle my questions. God can handle my anger. God can handle anything because He is God. He is all powerful. He is all knowing. He is in control and I believe that with every fiber of my being. I know that His ways are higher than mine. I know that we are victorious in the end because of what Jesus did on the cross for each. and. every. one. of. us. There is not a day that goes by where I do not sit and reflect on this year and how much I miss my brother. I know I am abundantly blessed by family and friends who are journeying this with me every day. Without the support and listening ear of those people...who knows where my mental state would be. Each day that I sit and reflect on this new reality that my family faces, I can't help but think of what it would be like to lose a child. To lose the sound of their voice. To lose the warmth of their embrace. To lose the conversations. To lose the memories. To lose the "I love you's". To miss the past. To lose the future. It seems unfathomable. In those moments of reflection, my parents come to the front of my heart and mind. They are living this "unfathomable loss" every. single. day. They wake up with that weight. They go through the day with that longing to go back when he was here. They end the day with that realization that, God willing, they have to do it all over again tomorrow. I am amazed by their faith and trust in God during the last year. My dad continues to cling on the Lord and proclaim His truth's over his life! Praise God. My mom has embraced the community of other moms who are living her same reality and they have loved her so well. She has pressed forward every day and our relationship has grown so so much. My mom has been so vulnerable in these grief groups, counseling, etc. and for that, I am so proud of her. Satan is NOT winning. I know that the enemy saw when our world came tumbling down and was ready to keep it in that place but GOD. WILL. NOT. LET. THAT. BE. We are victorious through Him and Him alone. Praise be to God. Thank you, Jesus for your constant provision over our family. Even in the darkest of times, you continue to amaze us by Your faithfulness. As we enter this holiday season and continue to run into the "firsts" of the rest of the year we are determined to keep our focus on Jesus. Without Him, we are nothing. I know that the holidays are going to be tough. We are going to cry. We are going to need moments to ourselves to process. We are also going to laugh! We are going to enjoy the time we have together. God gave us that time and it is precious.  The holiday season can stir up many emotions for whatever season you are in. I urge you to stop. Look around you. What is happening? Who is around? Be thankful. Encourage someone. Spend time with those who mean the world to you. We aren't promised tomorrow and life is so precious- even when it is hard and dark. God has something to give you this season, you just need to look around you to see what that is. His love endures forever. His mercies are new each morning. All of that to say, thank you for all of your love, support, hugs, texts, calls, cards, etc. during the last 305 days. These are just some truths that God has shown me. I hope it encourages someone, somewhere.


In Him Alone,

L